Guess what?

she signed.

THE PAPERS HAVE BEEN SIGNED.

:: deep exhale.............................. ::

This has been the longest day of my life. Honestly. She was supposed to sign around 5pm and we got the call that everything was O.K. at 10:00pm! 5 hours.... I thought I was going to lose it at 7:30pm. That was my breaking point. Panic, tears, the works. I carried my cell phone around in my hand like it was a life support apparatus and each time it would ring I would jump through my skin.

But, it went well. Here are the stats:

birth weight: 8 lb. 2 ounces
height: 21.5 inches long
hair: blonde fuzz
eyes: blue
caseworker's remark: he is as cute as he can be.... :-)

He will be discharged tomorrow into interim care during our wait. I know it will be rough but, folks, we made it through a 3-month wait between trips to Russia with D. I'm guessing 14 days won't be quite as bad.

Check in with me after 3 days and we'll test that last statement. [grin]

Wishing a Day Away

I know that it is never wise
To wish that time would fly
Before you know it
Years have passed
Remembering makes you sigh........

But just for once I'd like to ask
For the hours to melt away
My heart is begging
To know the outcome
Of what will happen today

I'm trusting in God to keep me sane
As minutes tick by like days
I know for sure
That no matter what
He's deserving of my praise...

Goodnight..........

I am turning it in.

What a day! November 29... our second son was born November 29. It still seems surreal. My heart is yearning to hold him and to fix his bottle and kiss that sweet little spot on the back of his neck. It's been an agonizing day but one I will never forget.

I simply cannot go to bed without saying:

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday, dear J.
Happy Birthday to you...........

Goodnight sweet boy.

It's a Boy!

He's here, folks! We got the call about a little while ago and he had been born within the hour...so he's probably been here about 2 hours!

We won't know a lot tonight except that they said he is "a chunk!" They hadn't weighed him when they called us but the hospital was estimating 8 lb. 9 ounces... a chunk of love, I tell ya!

Now...we wait the 24 hours until she signs the papers. Some of that is supposed to be sleep time which, remarkably, I might be able to do tonight knowing that the delivery went O.K.

Who am I kidding?

Tonight and tomorrow will probably be the longest 24 hours of my life. But...I am thrilled. Beyond words. My son is one step closer to being home... I could not be more excited.

Hurry home, J.

It's 2:15pm and....

....I have a captive audience.

Let's see... the weather sure is beautiful today. I had a good chicken salad for lunch today with this yummy bacon dressing. Did I tell you we got the garland up on our balcony last night? Nothing came in the mail today but junk mail and flyers. You know, I think the stock market will be on its way back up soon. Have I ever told you that I love the color red?

Now, was there anything else you wanted an update on?

Hmmm....

oh, yeah, I almost forgot. No baby news yet. [sly grin]

It's 10:45am...

I just spoke to the agency and the birthmother called them this morning to tell them they had broken her water and started the pitocin to induce... so it will most probably be sometime this evening? It really depends on her body responds.

So, we wait...

More from Baby Watch 2007 later...please stay tuned!

It's 7:00am....

...and still no word.

Swirling, Twirling Thoughts

It's one of those nights.

One of those nights? There is no other night like this. This is the night that our son is being born. And here I sit, fingertips nervously tap, tap, tapping away at these black keys... trying their best to share my thoughts with you.

What is happening right now? Is there someone there to hold her hand and tell her everything will be alright? Is the room brightly lit or serenely dim? Are the beeps of the fetal monitor comforting to her or does it make her sad? Do the nurses know about her adoption plan and are they treating her with gentleness? Will there be a stork taped to her door like the other rooms signaling the arrival of "Baby Boy?" What is she feeling right now...right at this very moment?

I imagine it to be a mixture of every emotion I've ever felt... like different colors squeezed onto a palette. The colors blend together making swirling patterns... much like the patterns of thought running rampant through my mind.

Swirling, twirling thoughts of gladness, excitement, trepidation...emotions both anxious and elated.

Yes, it is one of those nights.

She's At the Hospital!

S. had her doctor's appointment this afternoon and they have admitted her for inducement! They said she is only at 1cm so it could be a VERY LONG time...but, we are getting closer!

I know it's a bit confusing, but here is the basic timeline we're dealing with as you keep us and the birth family in your prayers:

Day of Birth-- most likely tomorrow
Day after delivery--signing papers to terminate parental rights
When leaving hopsital, J. will be discharged to an interim care family
(14) consecutive 24-hour periods (14 days) after signing... he's ours!
Day after 14 day period expires-- J. comes home!

So, you can see how the basic timeline works. This of course all hinges on the birthmother following through with the adoption plan.

I am praying for her right now. I hope that she is comfortable and that her mind has some degree of peace about the situation. I pray that J. has a smooth transition into this world and that he will soon be safe in our arms...

Finishing Touches

All the last touches....

Surfactant in his lungs so he can breathe properly,
calcium and collagen and a dash of creativity.

A sense of humor perhaps,
or maybe an endless well of the deepest thoughts or ideas.

His femur needs to be a wee bit longer,
his heart able to beat alone a smidge stronger,
his eyes prepared to see the love pouring forth
from anxious family and friends...an ocular rainbow.

Anatomy, physiology, and spirit
combine to create the underpinnings of a boy.

A dark water world, for now his cocoon,
the canvas upon which the final finishing touches
glide breathlessly across forehead, lips, and cheek,

brush held,

just as he's held,

in the very hands of God Himself.

~Carolynn Clarke
__________________________________________________________

The beautiful poem above was written for our soon-to-be son J. Carolynn is a very dear friend whose path crossed mine during our adoption journey to Russia a few years ago. Her gift for writing is unsurpassed-- as you can see from the amazing way in which she described what our son is experiencing in these last days before being born.

Thank you Carolynn for putting into words the medical miracle of creating life, for putting these agonizing days of waiting into perspective and for being an amazing source of support. I cherish your friendship.

To Our Big-Brother-to-Be

Dear D.,

Your Daddy and I have been sharing with you stories this week... stories of when we were preparing to bring YOU home over four years ago. We want to do this so that, as you see us racing about getting J.'s room ready, you'll know that we did the same thing just weeks before we got your "call."

I couldn't believe it was happening--we were becoming parents for the first time. And, waiting for the call to go and get you was painstaking. We had already flown to Russia to meet you three months prior so now we were simply waiting on a court date. The days turned into months (milleniums in my heart) as we waited and prepared.

First, you needed a room. This was not your ordinary "baby" room. You were two years old at the time so crib sets and rattles were replaced by bunk beds and dump trucks. How much fun I had decorating your first room! I found the matching brick red bedspreads and relished finding just the right picture for the wall. Your daddy thought I was crazy but I would not turn off the lamp in your room until I could tuck you safely in bed. In some ways, that light staying on kept me going as if it were a beacon in the night...calling you home.

Just as friends and family are giving us gifts for J., they gave us presents for you, too. Just before we brought you home, I had a wonderful "baby" shower and we were overwhelmed by the generosity of those who were almost as eager to meet you as we were. Books, toys, and clothes were wrapped with your name. Every one talked about you and how they couldn't wait for us to bring you home.

In the same way, we are preparing for another member of our family to arrive. Just like they did for you, family and friends are helping us get ready for your baby brother. I'm sure it is a bit overwhelming for you as you see our attention drawn elsewhere. It is going to be a big adjustment for us all as we learn to grow as a family and discover the best way to care for this exciting addition into our lives.

But you know what? You are going to be the best big brother J. could ask for. Your heart is big and your dream to have a "brudder" is finally coming true. We will learn together about bottles and rattles and just the right thing to do to make your brother smile. But the one thing I will not let you forget... you make me smile. In big ways and little ways every single day, your sparkling brown eyes and mischieveous grin are the reason I WANT to be a parent again.

Thank you for being the joy in our hearts, the first pitter-patter we heard on our floors and for opening your heart to make room for baby J.

You are an awesome kid.

Love,
Mama

Things of Which I'm Certain

As the big event draws near, I am absolutely certain of the following:

• That I'm not sure if I should have capitalized the word "which" in the title of this post
• My house can not be in a bigger degree of disarray
• Moms feel very strongly about whether or not I should use a wipe warmer
• Stress is a very real thing and no amount of homemade oatmeal cookie dough can fix it
• Homemade oatmeal cookie dough feels like a lead weight in your stomach if you eat it for lunch
• I don't even really like oatmeal cookies
• I put up my first artificial Christmas tree and it did not ruin my life
• Artificial trees are easy to decorate...don't like where a little limb is? Bend it!
• Little boy overalls are about the cutest darned thing I've ever laid my hands on
• My newborn-child-to-be has more clothes than I do
• I am not kidding
• I may not make it through this week without one good panic attack
• Waiting for a baby to be born is much like the old adage "a watched pot never boils"
• My house may never be clean again
• It finally feels like winter is giving us a sneak preview today
• I do not like wet leaves
• In two weeks, I will most likely be the mother of a baby boy
• Life is good

You should see my "List of Things of Which I'm NOT Certain." Blogger's data storage limits would prevent me from posting it here. Suffice it to say. I do not know much.

I do know I'm grateful if you're reading this. The Week of Birth has finally arrived. Now, we wait for Call #1: The "Going Into Labor" call.

Breathe, Katie. Breathe.

You may Want to Grab A Snack, Folks...

...before I launch into a post after having been without internet since Tuesday. FOUR DAYS without bloggy access during one of the. most. stressful. times. of. my. life. Four 24-hour periods without a computer or email or my blog. Yes folks, I do realize there are greater tragedies that could befall me-- BUT I missed you guys. I needed you guys this week. I had Thanksgiving thoughts to share. (now I've forgotten them) I had moments of panic. (luckily, I've forgotten them, too)

I will tell you I've had an unbelievable range of emotions this week. Our days were filled with true THANKS-GIVING, I assure you. But, in "Honest Abe" fashion, I feel compelled to share the other feelings that popped up on Katie's Wheel of Frenzied, Alternating Emotions this week. Here we go (I'm serious about grabbing a snack, folks):

THANKFUL.....I am grateful above all other things. I am grateful to have an excuse to be "eating for two" during my "most-favoritist" holiday of the year. I am thankful to be experiencing the anticipation of a baby's arrival. I have sniffed baby lotions, stroked soft blankets and oohed and gooed over all things miniature this week. I am grateful to have spent four days with a family that truly enjoyed each other's company. The laughter, tears and silliness that permeated my inlaws' home was comforting. Watching football, sitting in a circle in their living room telling stories of recent happenings, and working together to create a bountiful Thanksgiving meal that belonged in a church fellowship hall instead of a small kitchen in south Alabama. For the togetherness we felt, for the family with whom I could not spend the day but for which I am equally grateful... and for the enjoyment of being a "pregnant" Mom during such an exciting time of year, I am THANKFUL.

ANXIOUS.....for all the reasons mentioned above, I am anxious for the "due date" to arrive and for us to leap with Olympic ability the hurdles before us. The birth and the emotions S. will go through. The time in between the birth and the signing of the papers when futures will be deliberated and emotions released. Then, if those two are passed, the "I-can't-imagine-how-long-it-will-seem" 14-day waiting period in which the birthparents could change their mind(s). For the moment when we will receive the call that the vigil is over and he is ours, I am anxious. I am also anxiously awaiting the car that will take the drive down our road...appearing just beyond the trees carrying our newborn child. For that singular moment and many other reasons, I have felt ANXIOUS this week.

COMPASSIONATE.....I feel an overwhelming sense of compassion for the birthmother, S. Having met her and searched her big blue eyes for a sense of resolve and understanding, I feel as if we are in this together--although, at this point, that couldn't be further from the truth. We are going through very different emotions, yet both wanting only one thing...what's best for that little boy. I hurt for her heart and for what kind of feelings she must be working through. As I sat around a large table eating fifty-six kinds of food, I thought about what kind of Thanksgiving she was having and if she and J. (the birthfather) got to share that holiday together due to conflicts in the family. I want to whisper to her in some sort of trans-parental whisper..."I am here for you in my heart. I pray for you as the hours stretch through the days and I want you to know it will all be O.K." That is one of the feelings I am having this week.

SELFISH.....As sympathetic I am for this new person in my life, I have battled feelings of selfishness as well. "Please do not break my heart or the heart of my family and friends," I think on a daily basis. I so desperately want her to make the right choice for that child which, selfishly, I believe to be signing the papers and letting us bring this precious creature into our family. I want her to know every heart that is beating wildly with ours...eagerly awaiting news that the process of bringing Jacob home is complete. I want her to know we painted the nursery today and how cute he will look in that outfit with the little yellow duck on the pocket. I want her to know these things because I somehow think that would make her decision easier. That is why I have felt selfish this week.

FEARFUL.....My husband's arms enveloped me today as we surveyed the finished Christmas tree in our living room. "I am scared," I told him. "I know, " he replied. Nothing more was said.

Nothing more was needed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I have missed you this week and the comments help me more than you know. Just the little "I'm here" messages let me know that there are those (many of whom don't know me or my family) that care about this child and about this adoption. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Once again, I am thankful. Humbled, even. Guess we can add that one to the list. (smile)

Where Do I Find the Words....

...to express what happened in our lives today?

All I can say is a meeting between two couples took place today and God was very much there. I know no other way to describe it.

J. (the birthfather) and S. (the birthmother) were two people that we felt like we had known our entire lives. J's first words were "I have to tell you I've never been this nervous in my life. I didn't sleep at all last night." We all chuckled because none of us had. What was supposed to have been a "to bed early" kind of evening turned into a sleepless one as I mulled over the facets of our profile--the one with which these strangers had become so familiar.

In his opening comments, J. broke into tears and excused himself from the meeting for a few moments. In a nutshell, he explained (mainly directing his comments to my husband in a "man-to-man, father-to-father" sorta way) that he had chosen us because he felt that we could give this child the parents--mainly the father--he never had. They held hands tightly as they discussed their troubled past and all the ways they hoped that this adoption would prevent the same thing from happening to their child. I can't express the respect and the bond that I felt with them at that moment.

We were amazed to discover the process that occurred in their selection of our profile. J. had first taken the stack of profiles and, after careful deliberation, had selected us. Without informing S. of which couple he had chosen, he gave them to her. After reading through them, she chose ours as well. Upon learning this, they decided to give them to her parents who, amazingly, also chose us after reading the stories of the different families presented. If ever I have been humbled by the handiwork of God...it was then.

As we grew more comfortable with each other, we talked about our lives, our passions, our families and our faith. The last one is the one that provided the most poignant memory from today. J. looked my husband square in the eye and said "I have never been much of a church person but I have just started going to the church where my Dad went before he died. Tell me about your faith and what you believe."

Knowing full well this was the most important question of the day, Keith leaned in and proceeded to deliver the most unbelievable testimony I'd ever heard. Tears welled up in his eyes as he talked about his love for the Lord and all the ways we had seen his hand in our lives. If nothing else folks, today we had an upfront and unmistakable opportunity to share our faith. That in itself was worth the trip.

A piece of exciting news was that S. goes for her dr. appointment tomorrow to find out if/when she will be induced. As you can imagine, we are anxious to hear the outcome.

Without going into every detail about the meeting (mainly because we are in the middle of getting ready for our final home study visit tomorrow) I will leave you with this:

Six people met in the back corner of a restaurant today. Two were caseworkers who had planned on having to facilitate a pre-birth meeting between two very nervous couples. Instead, the conversation flowed, tears and laughter were shared and stories both tragic and uplifting were relayed. A hopeful couple on the brink of having a dream come true listened to the struggles of a couple whose biggest decision of their lives is looming. Blue eyes locked upon brown searching for acceptance, forgiveness, trust and empathy.

All were found.

Hugs were exchanged, a bond was formed and God was honored.

Regardless of the outcome, I am forever changed by the meeting we had today. My heart is full and my faith is renewed. Thank you God for this most precious opportunity. And, if you are reading this, thank you for caring and sharing in this amazing journey.

It's Not All About Me

A coworker and I used to have this mantra we'd shoot back and forth to each other in jest..."It's All About Me." I have used that as a joke for some time; however, in this particular circumstance--meeting birthparents who have chosen us to raise their child--it's no joke. In this situation, it couldn't be LESS about me.

As I've mentioned, I've been struggling with anxiety and nerves as we move ever closer to the possibility of adopting our second child. Well, today I listened to a message at church that changed the way that I will choose to view this entire process.

Our pastor was addressing broken dreams and how we deal with the disappointment, hurt and oftentimes despair that soon follow. This sermon could not have come at a better time. He spoke of his encounters with individuals who have had their dreams ripped from them and yet their faith remained strong. In fact, one of the most powerful points of the message was to "avoid the pitfall of wrapping our faith in God around the fulfillment of our dreams..." Isn't that an easy trap to fall into sometimes?

Using statements from this morning's message, I'm determined to "let God do to me what seems good to Him...it's not MY will, but THY will be done."

So, here is my prayer about this adoption:

"God I trust you no matter what happens tomorrow or in the next few weeks as this process unfolds. God, not my dreams, but your will be done. I will receive whatever comes as coming from the hands of my Heavenly Father. Thank you, God, for continuing to pursue me when I wasn't worthy and for loving me when I wasn't very deserving."

And then, we closed by singing Matt Redman's song "Never Let Go." I found out that he wrote this song after his wife had miscarried. It is not simply an anthem written by a Christian to whom nothing bad has happened. I sing it (and play it here on my blog) as encouragement for my anxious soul..........

"And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no you never let go
Through the calm
And through the storm

Oh no you never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no you never let go

Lord, you never let go of me........."

I will keep you posted on our meeting. Thank you for all the prayers!

Not for the Faint of Heart

Since May 2004, I have been a walkin', talkin' billboard for adoption. And I always will be.

But, I must tell ya. These past few days have been killer. For some reason, this afternoon finds me nervous, anxious, and about to crawl outta my skin. Our meeting with the birthparents who chose us is Monday. I have never been as worried about a meeting in my life. To us, it feels like the biggest, most important job interview ever. But that's not all...

What I am most anxious about is not being in control of the situation. Folks, this is hard for a control freak. You know, the whole NOT being in control thing. My leg is bouncin a mile a minute and my head is spinning thinking about all the changes that our family could undergo ... in a matter of weeks!

Holy crib sheets, Batman.

So, we wait. We pray. I eat sugar cookies.

Did I mention I'm a stress eater?

Oh yeah, back to the adoption.

I picked out a bedding set, ya'll. And it really is the cutest. bedding thing. ever. And I have been folding little onesies and such. Oh the sweetness of a warm, fuzzy sleeper. I never took myself as one who would coo over pajamas with ducks on the feet. I actually cooed . . . outloud . . . in Babys 'R Us. I'm a goner.

:: big, deep sigh ::

Is this really happening? It may be stressful, but it sure has been fun getting ready.

More on Monday. You know, following THE meeting.

:: breathe......................... ::

Oh To Have the Wisdom of a 12-year Old

Christian radio station KSBJ FM 89.3. has posted this on their website. This is a call they received on-air. Click below to listen:

http://www.ksbj.org/eblogs/morningShow/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/logan-calf-story.mp3

It's not very long but oh so touching ... if you haven't heard this, please listen.

Hello Insomnia, My Name is Katie

OK, am I preparing for the sleepless nights that accompany the arrival of an infant? I'm supposed to be soaking up every last ounce of a full night's sleep that I can. But, noooo-sir-ee, here I am at 1:45 in the a.m. wide awake.

My husband is nestled all safe in his bed while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. And my son? Fast asleep for hours and hours now.

So, what does one do when one has complete silence and a house "to herself?" Catch up on Tivo'd shows? Give herself a pedi while polishing off a bowl fo American Idol Birthday Cake ice cream? (yes, it was an impulse buy if ever there were one) Oh no...the self-proclaimed freak in me decided to go down and "clean out" what will become our Guest Quarters in the basement. (In case you're wondering, I capitalized Guest Quarters to make it seem more appealing than "The Room You Stick Comp'ny In Down in the Basement")

As usual, I digress.

The BOXES upon BOXES of S-T-U-F-F pouring out of the closet in the soon-to-be "G.Q." was appalling. You know the closet I labeled as the place where I dumped all the things we don't have a place for? Well, folks...it's because this one was already taken. FULL. No Vacancy for the potpourri of items that we don't have a place for but don't wanna toss.

So, I started digging. I can't possibly describe the vast array of things I discovered. But, to give you just a hint of what I uncovered....here's a sampling from one of the boxes:

3 spools of thread

2 extension cords

1 DVD movie of our first visits with Daniel --for which I have been searching for forty forevers!!

an iron frog paperweight

4 pairs of scrapbooking scissors

an anniversary card I gave Keith in 1999

Box o' Shout Wipes

Fifty-leven pens and markers

fabric from when my sister-in-law Tonia and I were going to be all craftsy-like and make those dry mixes in a Bell jar for Christmas gifts...oh yes, those were the days.

My Christmas Card list from 2002

and....a stick of gum

Y'all, I simply cannot deal with such matters. I want desperately to have a place for everything and this concoction of loose items was about more than this stressed-out-woman could handle. I made pile after pile and left it as a "to be continued" project. You know, because sorting and tossing and putting that many diverse things away in one night can wreak havoc on a frazzled Mom's already fragile psyche.

So, I brought the DVD of Daniel's first days upstairs and popped it in. Oh my goodness gracious...look how small he was. The video footage of our time in the orpahange brought tears to my eyes. (Yes, I know...you're thinking "Katie? Cry? No way!")

Yes way.

After sobbing for the duration of his video, I got up and climbed the stairs to Daniel's room. There he was, outside the covers acting like he has even an ounce of meat on his bones to keep him warm, (which he does not) and sleeping peacefully.

Daniel, if you're reading this years from now I want you to know something. The love I feel in my heart for you overwhelms me at times. Watching you just now, I had the urge to protect you from anything that might make you sad or hurt you in the future. I wanted to wake you up and talk about Transformers and all the things that make you tick right now. I wanted to hold you and tell you what a difference you've made in my life.

I also wanted to reassure you that, even though there will soon be another child in our hearts, he could never replace or dim the feelings I have for you. You are our "first born." You are the reason my heart knows the true meaning of unconditional love. You are my son... and I couldn't love you more.

All Things Baby and Such

Y'all, I just have no idea what I'm doin. God willing, I am having a baby in less than a month! I have been nesting like a maniac, too. What in the blue moon would possess me to completely rearrange the contents of my entire kitchen (cabinets, drawers, and all).

Sidenote to sis-in-law ... do you remember helping me fill all those cabinets? Yeah, um, that's what it looked like. :-)

Call me crazy, but I want this house to be as organized as possible when he gets here. So I have one less thing to worry about while I'm trying to figure out how you feed something so small. That and how in the hey doodle to get the buttons on those button-up-the-leg onesie thingies to line up so I don't always have the one button left that signifies I did it wrong and I have to start over.

They don't call me Anal Annie for nothin', folks.

So, I cleaned out the guest room closet (a.k.a. Dumping Ground For All Things We Don't Have A Place For) and now it's piled up in the hallway. That is until I find a new D.G.F.A.T.W.D.H.A.P.F.) Last night I hung some of the clothes I've gotten for him in the closet and it's just too darned sweet for words. For an admitted "not-really-a-baby-person" person, there's something about little bitty clothes hanging there that does something to you. I was folding Daniel's clothes at the same time and they looked simply GINORMOUS in comparison.

As Turkey Day appraoches, we're trying to wrap up a lot of the details of our home study update (medical visits, fingerprints, vet check, pediatrician check, financial update, yada yada yada....) I must say, our home has been STUDIED so much in the past four years (this is our third official home study since our last one expired) that we oughta have a plaque to put at our front door. You know the ones they put in front of older homes to proclaim they're antebellum and such? Why not a plaque that reads "This Home is Certified To Be Free of All Non-Parental Vibes" or something?

So, I forge on. I review diaper disposal systems and take the cover of my stroller to the dry cleaners. I read the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting a Baby Out of the Blue in Three Weeks" (ok, so I fudged on the title a smidge but you get the idea) and I pray.

I pray for the birthmother who has a very hard decision in front of her. I pray that she won't meet me in person next Monday and immediately change her mind. I pray that I won't pass out in a stress-induced state on the WAY to said meeting which would not present a most "together" front for our team.

But most of all...I pray for that baby. If he ends up in our home or doesn't...I pray that he will be safe, and warm and showered with kisses...and that he will always know that he is loved.

That is my biggest prayer of all.

I'm Building It Anyway...

I have been on a hiatus of sorts. I apologize for my unexcused absence...but I couldn't quite put into words what has been going on. I somehow found the words when I heard a song on the way home from church today.

We got it... THE CALL. Those of you who have checked in here over the past couple years know that we have been trying to adopt...waiting to be chosen by a birthmother...praying, wishing....dreaming of opening our hearts and home to another child.

Then it happened. The phone rang and the caller I.D. displayed the name of our adoption agency. My heart lept into my throat and I answered-- cautiously optimistic that this could be the call we had waited so long to receive.

It was.

"You have been selected..."

The words still ring in my ears.

My heart started beating furiously as the details unfolded. The birthmother is due at the end of November (Yep. In a matter of WEEKS, y'all...) and.............. it's a BOY.

Tears poured down my cheeks and I listened intently. We are scheduled to meet with the birthparents next week and then it will be a matter of waiting for the birth and for the waiting period (14 days) to make sure they don't change their mind after the baby is born. Frankly, that scares me to death. But, I firmly believe if this is the child that God has chosen for our family...it will work out. But, it's still a narrow tightrope of emotions that I have walked since we got the call.

Which leads me to the song.

Our friends and family have displayed a range of reactions to our news. All are thrilled beyond belief but, of course, many are worried that we might have our hearts broken if it falls through. I was leaning on the side of guarding my heart as well. Fearful of buying anything or getting the nursery ready. What if everything is in place and she changes her mind? I feared my heart might never recover.

Until this afternoon. Martina McBride's new song, "Anyway" came on the radio as I was driving. The lyrics spoke to me more than I can explain:

"You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin'
One storm can come
And blow it all away

Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not
Ever come your way

Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out
Like I think it should

But I do it anyway.........."

****************************

I broke into sobs as I realized that this is the only chance I may ever have to experience a true "pregnancy." We adopted our first son at age 2 and it was wonderful in an entirely different way. This time will be unique in that we will be learning about formula and feeding and crib assembly. If I DON'T prepare now then I will be missing out on the joy of anticipation...the excitement of folding little bity footed pajama-thingies and marveling at the size of itty bitty clothes.

Yes, she could change her mind. But I want to be prepared in case she doesn't. I want to dream anyway...I want to love anyway... I want to decorate and fold baby blankets and "nest" anyway....

I can't believe it finally could be happening... I hope you'll come along on this journey with me.

:-), Katie

Catching Up

Alabama/LSU - well, the Tide DID roll and I haven't been that proud of our boys in a long time. They played their hearts out and both sides gave us a great football game to watch. It was an emotional roller coaster being there in the stands and, unfortunately, a late fumble cost us the game. But, I was thrilled to watch them play...the Crimson Tide made us proud!

Dog Tired-- I am in the middle of a twelve-week intensive dog training...but, I kid myself about the dog being trained. It's really ME that's getting trained! My German instructor intimidates the bajeebies outta me but it seems to be working. Our golden retriever pays attention to everything I do...we still have a ways to go but it does seem to be getting us on the right track.

Not All Roses-- a friend of mine wrote to me awhile back about only talking about the "pretty things" on my blog. Well, today has not been pretty with my 5-year old. He has talked back, gotten angry, pouted, given me the "ugly face" (which consists of a crinkled up nose and pouted out cheeks) all because he hasn't gotten his way. What's driving me looney lately is his constant "You LIKE it when I get in trouble..." or "You LIKE treating me like a baby!" or...the classic "You LIKE when I don't get to have fun!" Oh yeah, I love being the bad guy all the time... Everything is fine now that he's had a nap and had time to "cool off." But, I have discovered something. My getting mad at Daniel and talking in a raised voice (aka "yelling!")does nothing. What really gets his attention is when I stay calm, cool and collected. It drives him crazy. Hopefully, one of these days he'll recognize it as gentleness and that I really DO care about him more than I could ever put into words. One can only hope.

Balance-- OK, so I had to write about this one in verse:

Juggling all my many hats
Can drive a girl insane
And why I feel so torn sometimes
Can be hard to explain

It's all a game of balance
priorities and such
Knowing when I'm doing too little
And when I'm doing too much

The many responsibilities
Can pull and nag at me
But when I really think about it
It's pretty plain to see

That all the different hats I wear
I wear with pride indeed
I'm blessed beyond belief, my friends
It's a wonderful life I lead!

Sweet Home Alabama

We're headed to Alabama in just a little while. This weekend is one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, games of the year so far. In the realm of college football, this would be a HUGE win for us... Our new coach's old team is coming to town. LSU fans always make it interesting...even WHEN they're not out for blood. They're loud and crazy and it makes for a fun day whenever we play them at home. So..... that makes this weekend even bigger.

We can't wait.

The game is at 4:00 on Saturday but I'm sure my hubby will have us there at dawn-thirty to make sure we get a spot to tailgate. We'll then spend the days with friends eating ribs, watching other games and getting ready to cheer louder than we have in a very. long. time.

To non-football fans, it sounds a little over the top. Perhaps even a little shallow. But, having grown up in a family of loyal sports fans-- and then MARRYING one-- this has become a fun tradition for our family. We've developed a close network of friends who share our passion and this is one of our favorite times of the year. A sunshiny-fall day, the sounds of the drumline practicing, cheers of fans as they walk by and little A's painted on the faces of boys who dream of being out on the field one day. It's the feeling that you're a part of something bigger than yourself...a day when a stadium full of people are rooting for their team of choice.

It's big.

It's fun.

It's Game Day in Tuscaloosa.

And, believe it or not, it's not really about whether we win or not. It's singing the fight song and high-fiving on good plays and sharing the loss if it happens. In the end, it IS only a game. But don't tell our boys that just yet. Because the Tigers are coming to town with one goal in mind... victory. And we'll be waiting for them.

Roll Tide!

Halloween Memories

(click image to enlarge)