...before I launch into a post after having been without internet since Tuesday. FOUR DAYS without bloggy access during one of the. most. stressful. times. of. my. life. Four 24-hour periods without a computer or email or my blog. Yes folks, I do realize there are greater tragedies that could befall me-- BUT I missed you guys. I needed you guys this week. I had Thanksgiving thoughts to share. (now I've forgotten them) I had moments of panic. (luckily, I've forgotten them, too)
I will tell you I've had an unbelievable range of emotions this week. Our days were filled with true THANKS-GIVING, I assure you. But, in "Honest Abe" fashion, I feel compelled to share the other feelings that popped up on Katie's Wheel of Frenzied, Alternating Emotions this week. Here we go (I'm serious about grabbing a snack, folks):
THANKFUL.....I am grateful above all other things. I am grateful to have an excuse to be "eating for two" during my "most-favoritist" holiday of the year. I am thankful to be experiencing the anticipation of a baby's arrival. I have sniffed baby lotions, stroked soft blankets and oohed and gooed over all things miniature this week. I am grateful to have spent four days with a family that truly enjoyed each other's company. The laughter, tears and silliness that permeated my inlaws' home was comforting. Watching football, sitting in a circle in their living room telling stories of recent happenings, and working together to create a bountiful Thanksgiving meal that belonged in a church fellowship hall instead of a small kitchen in south Alabama. For the togetherness we felt, for the family with whom I could not spend the day but for which I am equally grateful... and for the enjoyment of being a "pregnant" Mom during such an exciting time of year, I am THANKFUL.
ANXIOUS.....for all the reasons mentioned above, I am anxious for the "due date" to arrive and for us to leap with Olympic ability the hurdles before us. The birth and the emotions S. will go through. The time in between the birth and the signing of the papers when futures will be deliberated and emotions released. Then, if those two are passed, the "I-can't-imagine-how-long-it-will-seem" 14-day waiting period in which the birthparents could change their mind(s). For the moment when we will receive the call that the vigil is over and he is ours, I am anxious. I am also anxiously awaiting the car that will take the drive down our road...appearing just beyond the trees carrying our newborn child. For that singular moment and many other reasons, I have felt ANXIOUS this week.
COMPASSIONATE.....I feel an overwhelming sense of compassion for the birthmother, S. Having met her and searched her big blue eyes for a sense of resolve and understanding, I feel as if we are in this together--although, at this point, that couldn't be further from the truth. We are going through very different emotions, yet both wanting only one thing...what's best for that little boy. I hurt for her heart and for what kind of feelings she must be working through. As I sat around a large table eating fifty-six kinds of food, I thought about what kind of Thanksgiving she was having and if she and J. (the birthfather) got to share that holiday together due to conflicts in the family. I want to whisper to her in some sort of trans-parental whisper..."I am here for you in my heart. I pray for you as the hours stretch through the days and I want you to know it will all be O.K." That is one of the feelings I am having this week.
SELFISH.....As sympathetic I am for this new person in my life, I have battled feelings of selfishness as well. "Please do not break my heart or the heart of my family and friends," I think on a daily basis. I so desperately want her to make the right choice for that child which, selfishly, I believe to be signing the papers and letting us bring this precious creature into our family. I want her to know every heart that is beating wildly with ours...eagerly awaiting news that the process of bringing Jacob home is complete. I want her to know we painted the nursery today and how cute he will look in that outfit with the little yellow duck on the pocket. I want her to know these things because I somehow think that would make her decision easier. That is why I have felt selfish this week.
FEARFUL.....My husband's arms enveloped me today as we surveyed the finished Christmas tree in our living room. "I am scared," I told him. "I know, " he replied. Nothing more was said.
Nothing more was needed.
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I have missed you this week and the comments help me more than you know. Just the little "I'm here" messages let me know that there are those (many of whom don't know me or my family) that care about this child and about this adoption. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Once again, I am thankful. Humbled, even. Guess we can add that one to the list. (smile)