I'm Building It Anyway...

I have been on a hiatus of sorts. I apologize for my unexcused absence...but I couldn't quite put into words what has been going on. I somehow found the words when I heard a song on the way home from church today.

We got it... THE CALL. Those of you who have checked in here over the past couple years know that we have been trying to adopt...waiting to be chosen by a birthmother...praying, wishing....dreaming of opening our hearts and home to another child.

Then it happened. The phone rang and the caller I.D. displayed the name of our adoption agency. My heart lept into my throat and I answered-- cautiously optimistic that this could be the call we had waited so long to receive.

It was.

"You have been selected..."

The words still ring in my ears.

My heart started beating furiously as the details unfolded. The birthmother is due at the end of November (Yep. In a matter of WEEKS, y'all...) and.............. it's a BOY.

Tears poured down my cheeks and I listened intently. We are scheduled to meet with the birthparents next week and then it will be a matter of waiting for the birth and for the waiting period (14 days) to make sure they don't change their mind after the baby is born. Frankly, that scares me to death. But, I firmly believe if this is the child that God has chosen for our family...it will work out. But, it's still a narrow tightrope of emotions that I have walked since we got the call.

Which leads me to the song.

Our friends and family have displayed a range of reactions to our news. All are thrilled beyond belief but, of course, many are worried that we might have our hearts broken if it falls through. I was leaning on the side of guarding my heart as well. Fearful of buying anything or getting the nursery ready. What if everything is in place and she changes her mind? I feared my heart might never recover.

Until this afternoon. Martina McBride's new song, "Anyway" came on the radio as I was driving. The lyrics spoke to me more than I can explain:

"You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothin'
One storm can come
And blow it all away

Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not
Ever come your way

Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out
Like I think it should

But I do it anyway.........."

****************************

I broke into sobs as I realized that this is the only chance I may ever have to experience a true "pregnancy." We adopted our first son at age 2 and it was wonderful in an entirely different way. This time will be unique in that we will be learning about formula and feeding and crib assembly. If I DON'T prepare now then I will be missing out on the joy of anticipation...the excitement of folding little bity footed pajama-thingies and marveling at the size of itty bitty clothes.

Yes, she could change her mind. But I want to be prepared in case she doesn't. I want to dream anyway...I want to love anyway... I want to decorate and fold baby blankets and "nest" anyway....

I can't believe it finally could be happening... I hope you'll come along on this journey with me.

:-), Katie