Friday, February 18, 2011

Is a Haircut and Blowdry Included with this Shampoo?

Yeah, I've had quite a year so far. First I crash a funeral and now this. I've been told once or twice to write a book about this adventure that is my life. For the first time, I might actually consider it. Cause Erma Bombeck ain't got nothin on this.

It was all a blur, really. Just an hour or so ago I was going about my daily routine which, on this day, included a quick swing through the car wash. How to convey what happened in words is going to be somewhat of a challenge because this truly was an "on location situation." But, I shall try.

As I pulled up to the attendant to select and pay for my car wash, I rolled down my window. No big deal, right? Normally. But, you see, this is the window on the side of my car that hit a deer a couple months ago and I completely forgot that it does not roll up quickly. That's actually an understatement. I have watched molasses pour out of a sticky bell jar faster than my window rolls up. Do you see where I am going with this?

So I pay the attendant who instructs me to slowly pull forward. He then begins yelling at me in Spanish and all I understand is "NO HIT BRAKES!" So, I am trying my best to comply as I come to the tragic realization that my window is not rolling up. The HotMamaMobile is slowly being sucked into the Vortex of High Velocity Soap Spray and I cannot get it to roll up. Supersonic jets of white suds are being shot with machine gun intensity straight into my driver side window. As I frantically punched the "up" button on the arm rest, the inside of my car including my steering wheel, dash, console and ME are coated in soap suds.

Meanwhile (I wanna see if you are paying close attention...) what has Katie ALSO forgotten to do? She is so panicked about NOT hitting the brakes and getting her window to roll up, she has......yep, you guessed it......forgotten to put her car in NEUTRAL. It occurred to me that none of the washing mechanisms were coming on because I am barreling through this narrow passageway at 50 miles per hour. As I approach the exit, the two young Hispanic men that are drying off my friend Heather's car in front of me sense their impending death and start waving their hands yelling "BRAKE! BRAKE!" I slam on the brakes and come to a sudden stop, soap covered and laughing hysterically.

The manager comes over to my window--which is finally rolled up-- and asks me to follow her around the side where she asks one of the cars in the front of the line if I can cut in and have another go at it. At this point, I am crying because I am laughing so hard and wonder what others must think of the sudsy minivan-turned-winter parade float that is cutting in line.

So, I approach the scene of my latest Episode of Tragic Embarassment, keep my window rolled up, place my car in NEUTRAL as soon as I am jacked up on the spinning roller thingy and I come out nice and clean. And, although the rest of my visit was without incident, I am sure I am now a legend at the Auto Express Washateria.

But I will say this... the left side of my hair has never been shinier.


Anonymous said...

You could be the female David Sedaris!!!! :)

Nee nee

donna said...

Only you Katie, LMAOA

Emily, Bob, Etta & Mae said...

You are an amazing writer and a very brave woman to share this story. I was laughing out loud!

Sincerely Anna said...

Never shinier. Oh my word, so funny. I can't stop laughing!

Jeanette said...

Oh what a wonderful story. It is written well,(as always),and made me laugh so hard that I cried. I do so love reading your blog!!

Mia said...

You had me laughing so hard! I'm glad you survived your washing :o)

Megan (FriedOkra) said...

I had a similar experience at one of those car washes! I can't go there anymore because I get panicky just driving into the payment line. :)

Hilarious post, my friend. Did your shiny side smell like cherries, too?